The beach in Georgia...
Welcome to the Widow's Club...
Meet (from left to right) Wade, Me (Rach), and Matt.
Welcome to the most amazing club I’ve ever belonged to and the one club I would not wish anyone to belong to - The Widow’s Club. (Ironic we have this title for when you read on – many of us don’t appreciate the “W” term. With the club though – it has a meaning of fun, understanding, and a true bond. And as terrible as this sounds, no one ever questions if you’re heading to Widow’s Club :).)
Before we share a little bit about each of our journeys, let me shed some light on how we met. Some of us tried counseling after our spouses died (Joe - colon cancer, Liz - lung cancer, Kati - colon cancer), some tried talking to others… and at one point our path’s crossed in different settings and we found the connections each of us needed. Widow’s Club began with Matt and I having lunch and talking for hours. We could say things to one another and know the other just got it. It was true therapy. A few months down the road (maybe just a month), I had the opportunity to show the true Rachel Colors at a Loggers Game and cross paths with Wade. I sent Matt a note and said – we have a new member for the club, are you up for inviting him too. And then the club became 3.
We laugh together, talk, have dinner, we cry, we share some beverages… And most recently went to Georgia together. No one wants to belong to a group like this – but these guys are my sanity.
Prior to going to Georgia, I started thinking of a group blog the 3 of us could do. I wanted to reach out to others who could benefit from some honesty and insight. As you will see, there is no right or wrong way to live… but here are some ways we continue to live on, some moments that we are grateful to have survived and some advice (please take with caution:)).
Welcome to the Widow’s Club…
Before we share a little bit about each of our journeys, let me shed some light on how we met. Some of us tried counseling after our spouses died (Joe - colon cancer, Liz - lung cancer, Kati - colon cancer), some tried talking to others… and at one point our path’s crossed in different settings and we found the connections each of us needed. Widow’s Club began with Matt and I having lunch and talking for hours. We could say things to one another and know the other just got it. It was true therapy. A few months down the road (maybe just a month), I had the opportunity to show the true Rachel Colors at a Loggers Game and cross paths with Wade. I sent Matt a note and said – we have a new member for the club, are you up for inviting him too. And then the club became 3.
We laugh together, talk, have dinner, we cry, we share some beverages… And most recently went to Georgia together. No one wants to belong to a group like this – but these guys are my sanity.
Prior to going to Georgia, I started thinking of a group blog the 3 of us could do. I wanted to reach out to others who could benefit from some honesty and insight. As you will see, there is no right or wrong way to live… but here are some ways we continue to live on, some moments that we are grateful to have survived and some advice (please take with caution:)).
Welcome to the Widow’s Club…
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Leaving our mark on the island at our favorite hang out.
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Meet Us...
·Name: Rachel Vogel
·Age: 32
·Marital Status: Ummm…This one I’ve always struggled with and still to this day stutter when asked. So I am going to say – “Married / Single”. I am thinking that may cause more questions than just using the term…OK – I am widowed. One may question why this is hard. For me - I don’t like the term for it shares more than I am sometimes willing to share almost defining me before you even get to know me. I also think there is so much more to the status than the wicked “w” word.
·What has been your best and worst day?
Best Day – Too many…Every trip I took with Joe (even when he would become a nervous wreck and end up dropping a suitcase on my toes in the security line…) Truly my best days are when I can set aside daily life and enjoy the moment I am in. It seems this happens for me while traveling. This past trip to Georgia featured many of my “Best Days” too!
Worst Day – The night before the 1 year mark of Joe’s death – August 5th, 2011. I had got to a point where I didn’t know how I was going to make it another day… I was completely lost – I found myself pacing in my own house trying to find a way to make things right. I knew I needed to talk but sometimes there are no words to share. Thank you to my mom for picking up the phone that night and just listening to me…(Not to add humor here – but I am sure the snot sniffing – tear filled tone was amazing.) This day comes back to me so vividly…
·What is one thing that you’ve changed in your life that you might not have changed before?
Joe was always my biggest fan when it came to doing things independently for a career. He would encourage me to pursue my art and always supported me even when the ideas seemed a bit out there. I’ve always been a person that tries to embrace each day – but now I truly see life differently. We don’t know how long we have, we need to make the most of the time we are given. Therefore the biggest change I’ve made…I “retired” from my job and am in the beginning stages of developing my own business Muddy Hands. This is one area in my life I know Joe would say – “I told you how long ago to do this…” Well – I’m finally listening :).
·What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone experiencing a tough situation? (One thing that has helped you work through your grief other than friends and family)
One piece of advice I would give – there is no right or wrong way. Maybe running… Maybe reading… Maybe traveling… Maybe crying… Possibly Screaming… Maybe a glass of wine (sometimes the bottle works too). My advice is to keep searching and trying new outlets until you find one that fits for you. There will be one.
For me – I found an outlet in new surroundings.
And although the question states “other than friends and family” – they were my rocks. My family (including Joe’s) and friends picked me up when I was falling – listened – gave space and just embraced me. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.
·What is one thing that you wished people didn’t ask/say?
This is tough to answer. First – most of the time it’s only because people care… Second – it depends on the day. Some days the question wouldn’t bother me, other days it would send me spinning.
If I had to pick one… It would be, “…at least you had a year with Joe before he died.” Although I was able to have a year with Joe when his cancer returned…It will never be enough for me and they were not the easiest days. I can’t compare to someone who loses someone without having the chance to say good-bye, but for me this is just not a great phrase.
·How do you keep living?
I get up each morning! And I make sure to have fun every now and then…
Although this may seem simple, it is the truth. I made a promise to myself when Joe died. I will get up each day and try. In the beginning, some days I would make it until 4pm and then I would head back to bed. But I got out of bed.
Everyday’s an adventure.
·Age: 32
·Marital Status: Ummm…This one I’ve always struggled with and still to this day stutter when asked. So I am going to say – “Married / Single”. I am thinking that may cause more questions than just using the term…OK – I am widowed. One may question why this is hard. For me - I don’t like the term for it shares more than I am sometimes willing to share almost defining me before you even get to know me. I also think there is so much more to the status than the wicked “w” word.
·What has been your best and worst day?
Best Day – Too many…Every trip I took with Joe (even when he would become a nervous wreck and end up dropping a suitcase on my toes in the security line…) Truly my best days are when I can set aside daily life and enjoy the moment I am in. It seems this happens for me while traveling. This past trip to Georgia featured many of my “Best Days” too!
Worst Day – The night before the 1 year mark of Joe’s death – August 5th, 2011. I had got to a point where I didn’t know how I was going to make it another day… I was completely lost – I found myself pacing in my own house trying to find a way to make things right. I knew I needed to talk but sometimes there are no words to share. Thank you to my mom for picking up the phone that night and just listening to me…(Not to add humor here – but I am sure the snot sniffing – tear filled tone was amazing.) This day comes back to me so vividly…
·What is one thing that you’ve changed in your life that you might not have changed before?
Joe was always my biggest fan when it came to doing things independently for a career. He would encourage me to pursue my art and always supported me even when the ideas seemed a bit out there. I’ve always been a person that tries to embrace each day – but now I truly see life differently. We don’t know how long we have, we need to make the most of the time we are given. Therefore the biggest change I’ve made…I “retired” from my job and am in the beginning stages of developing my own business Muddy Hands. This is one area in my life I know Joe would say – “I told you how long ago to do this…” Well – I’m finally listening :).
·What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone experiencing a tough situation? (One thing that has helped you work through your grief other than friends and family)
One piece of advice I would give – there is no right or wrong way. Maybe running… Maybe reading… Maybe traveling… Maybe crying… Possibly Screaming… Maybe a glass of wine (sometimes the bottle works too). My advice is to keep searching and trying new outlets until you find one that fits for you. There will be one.
For me – I found an outlet in new surroundings.
And although the question states “other than friends and family” – they were my rocks. My family (including Joe’s) and friends picked me up when I was falling – listened – gave space and just embraced me. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.
·What is one thing that you wished people didn’t ask/say?
This is tough to answer. First – most of the time it’s only because people care… Second – it depends on the day. Some days the question wouldn’t bother me, other days it would send me spinning.
If I had to pick one… It would be, “…at least you had a year with Joe before he died.” Although I was able to have a year with Joe when his cancer returned…It will never be enough for me and they were not the easiest days. I can’t compare to someone who loses someone without having the chance to say good-bye, but for me this is just not a great phrase.
·How do you keep living?
I get up each morning! And I make sure to have fun every now and then…
Although this may seem simple, it is the truth. I made a promise to myself when Joe died. I will get up each day and try. In the beginning, some days I would make it until 4pm and then I would head back to bed. But I got out of bed.
Everyday’s an adventure.
·Name: Matt Melde
·Age: 30
·Marital Status: Widowed
·What has been your best and worst day?
My best day since Elizabeth died was probably the first day that I met with Rachel and Wade to talk. For the first time I actually felt like when I told them how I felt that they genuinely understood. I remember feeling physically lighter after that night. It was like a weight was taken off of me. My worst day was my first wedding anniversary alone. I still don’t like that day, but it’s starting to get easier.
·What is one thing that you’ve changed in your life that you might not have changed before?
I try new things all the time. I just stopped saying ‘no’. I go on trips, learn new things and try new food. I never used to do that.
·What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone experiencing a tough situation? (One thing that has helped you work through your grief other than friends and family)
There isn’t a handbook for grief. You really just have to do whatever makes you happy, even if it’s just a short-term fix. Don’t let anyone tell you how far along you should be, or that doing something won’t help. It’s really all about you, so do what you think is right.
·What is one thing that you wished people didn’t ask/say?
“Did she smoke?” That one drives me absolutely crazy. When someone asks me that they don’t really realize that it implies that she was guilty of something. People just sometimes don’t really know what to say, so that question pops up quite a bit.
·How do you keep living?
have to believe that I will see Elizabeth again someday. When I do, I don’t want her to be angry that I didn’t take advantage of life when hers was cut short. I remember this whenever I’m trying to decide whether or not to do something. This way of thinking has given me countless incredible memories over the last two years.
·Age: 30
·Marital Status: Widowed
·What has been your best and worst day?
My best day since Elizabeth died was probably the first day that I met with Rachel and Wade to talk. For the first time I actually felt like when I told them how I felt that they genuinely understood. I remember feeling physically lighter after that night. It was like a weight was taken off of me. My worst day was my first wedding anniversary alone. I still don’t like that day, but it’s starting to get easier.
·What is one thing that you’ve changed in your life that you might not have changed before?
I try new things all the time. I just stopped saying ‘no’. I go on trips, learn new things and try new food. I never used to do that.
·What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone experiencing a tough situation? (One thing that has helped you work through your grief other than friends and family)
There isn’t a handbook for grief. You really just have to do whatever makes you happy, even if it’s just a short-term fix. Don’t let anyone tell you how far along you should be, or that doing something won’t help. It’s really all about you, so do what you think is right.
·What is one thing that you wished people didn’t ask/say?
“Did she smoke?” That one drives me absolutely crazy. When someone asks me that they don’t really realize that it implies that she was guilty of something. People just sometimes don’t really know what to say, so that question pops up quite a bit.
·How do you keep living?
have to believe that I will see Elizabeth again someday. When I do, I don’t want her to be angry that I didn’t take advantage of life when hers was cut short. I remember this whenever I’m trying to decide whether or not to do something. This way of thinking has given me countless incredible memories over the last two years.
· Name: Wade B.
· Age: 35
· Marital Status: Widowed (Unfortunately, I don’t care to use this "title" because it instantly provokes emotions, and can sometimes direct a tone of the conversation by the person asking. I have adjusted to hearing the question, "Are you married", and can answer with a simple "no" as a response. It gets complicated when someone starts asking, "why not?" or "what's taking you so long?". No matter how difficult a question is to hear, I know it is always up to me how I react to it. This has helped me with so many things beyond questions like "Marital Status".
· What has been your best and worst day?
Reflecting back on nearly two years now, I can't find myself able to single out a specific "best" or "worst" day. What I can say is that Sundays in general can be a real struggle for me, and would fall under the "worst" category. Sundays are typically the day when life slows down, and you are getting ready for your next week ahead. This is the time when family or friends are no longer by your side, offering unsolicited and unknowing distraction from your own thoughts. I realize it has to happen, but never-the-less, it presents a struggle you have to have tools to overcome. I know I am not alone in this, as it is commonly shared by those who have experience the loss of a loved one.
Fortunately, the "best" days continue to add up. Like I said previously, I can't think of a specific "best" day, but I can reflect on the "best days". Prior to Kati's passing, I don't think I ever realized how important the little things meant. It could be something as simple as a good conversation with loved ones or friends, or seeing a niece, nephew, goddaughter or any child for that matter belly laugh. Now the smallest things can make your entire day. I don't think I could have ever realized how wonderful these little things were without having gone through this experience. Kati was my teacher in this, and I am happy to say I was finally paying attention in class that day. I think what I had learned most of all is you are in complete control into how many "best days" you add up. Those days are not always going to fall into your lap. Some days you will have to create them yourself.
· What is one thing that you’ve changed in your life that you might not have changed before?
I would say I am much less likely to shy away from opportunities that come my way. Before, I would sometimes justify passing on invitations to do something new, or that might take a little more time and effort than I thought it would be worth. This may be something as simple as an invitation to a dinner, or something bigger like a trip or vacation. I now make an active effort to seize these opportunities for a couple or reasons. First, I now realize how short life can be, and unless you put yourself out there you are going to miss out on a lot of great things. Second, I have a chance to continue to "live" that Kati, my father, and all those who were taken from us too soon won't have again. You can bet I am going to try and make up some time for all of them! Lastly, it has just been darn fun! Granted, I don't get as much sleep as I use to, but I almost feel like I am making more memories than any person should be allowed to make! I have stepped outside my box, my comfort zone, my sense of security, and it has only been a good thing. The best part is being able to look ahead and be excited for the future. That makes it so much easier to wake up and put one foot in front of the other, even on the "bad" days.
· What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone experiencing a tough situation? (One thing that has helped you work through your grief other than friends and family)
I would recommend searching for an emotional outlet that works for you. I have had some very special people that have been there for me on those really tough days. They were there for me to get the words that were tied to the emotions out, but sometimes I felt the emotions themselves were still inside me. Talking was not always enough, and the reality is that someone is not always going to be there when your emotions start causing you trouble. One night, my emotions started to have a wrestling match inside my head. I truly needed to find a quick fix in order to regain my composure. Now, I have never been a runner, and unless physical activity was tied to one of my outdoor interest, rest assured I would not be doing it. But that night I felt compelled to try anything that would recenter me. I laced up an old pair of work shoes (because I didn't even own a pair of tennis shoes) and started to run (sounds like Forest Gump, I know....). Best part was, I was tired when I got done, and was able to sleep that night, and in fact slept the entire night (very rare thing for me at that point). The same thing happened the next night, and again, I went for a run, and bam!, I felt like I was on to something! Running has become my tool that I rely on to get my emotions out. I still need my incredibly supportive family and friends to get the words out, but now I can help myself when they are not around. So, I am not saying take up running, but find that emotional outlet that you can use as a tool to help get some of those inevitable emotional struggles under control. You will be so glad you did!
· What is one thing that you wished people didn’t ask/say?
I will tell you the truth. People say some pretty strange things when they learn about your situation! I completely understand it is all said with good intentions, but sometimes it is enough to make you laugh, and sometimes it can stir up some emotions you would have rather left alone. I would still rather have people make an effort to talk with you and say something that you may not like, then not have them say anything at all. Getting back to the question, my least favorite statement is "at least you didn't have kids." This one is hard to swallow because I believe the world would be a better place with a "mini Kati" in it. I know everything Kati has taught me, and can only imagine how wonderful it would be to have those traits passed on.
· How do you keep living?
I keep living by never forgetting what both Kati and my Father have taught me. I use this to fuel my mind to keep moving forward each and every day. Some days, I run out of gas, but as long as I am not moving backwards, I will be facing the right direction for progress. I make sure I surround myself with positive people, because we can quickly take on the traits of those around us. My friends and family have been there during my roughest time, and I know, inevitably, we will need each other's help in the future. Continuing to strengthen those relationships will come with incredible rewards. Finally, I keep living because I know there is life to live for.
· Age: 35
· Marital Status: Widowed (Unfortunately, I don’t care to use this "title" because it instantly provokes emotions, and can sometimes direct a tone of the conversation by the person asking. I have adjusted to hearing the question, "Are you married", and can answer with a simple "no" as a response. It gets complicated when someone starts asking, "why not?" or "what's taking you so long?". No matter how difficult a question is to hear, I know it is always up to me how I react to it. This has helped me with so many things beyond questions like "Marital Status".
· What has been your best and worst day?
Reflecting back on nearly two years now, I can't find myself able to single out a specific "best" or "worst" day. What I can say is that Sundays in general can be a real struggle for me, and would fall under the "worst" category. Sundays are typically the day when life slows down, and you are getting ready for your next week ahead. This is the time when family or friends are no longer by your side, offering unsolicited and unknowing distraction from your own thoughts. I realize it has to happen, but never-the-less, it presents a struggle you have to have tools to overcome. I know I am not alone in this, as it is commonly shared by those who have experience the loss of a loved one.
Fortunately, the "best" days continue to add up. Like I said previously, I can't think of a specific "best" day, but I can reflect on the "best days". Prior to Kati's passing, I don't think I ever realized how important the little things meant. It could be something as simple as a good conversation with loved ones or friends, or seeing a niece, nephew, goddaughter or any child for that matter belly laugh. Now the smallest things can make your entire day. I don't think I could have ever realized how wonderful these little things were without having gone through this experience. Kati was my teacher in this, and I am happy to say I was finally paying attention in class that day. I think what I had learned most of all is you are in complete control into how many "best days" you add up. Those days are not always going to fall into your lap. Some days you will have to create them yourself.
· What is one thing that you’ve changed in your life that you might not have changed before?
I would say I am much less likely to shy away from opportunities that come my way. Before, I would sometimes justify passing on invitations to do something new, or that might take a little more time and effort than I thought it would be worth. This may be something as simple as an invitation to a dinner, or something bigger like a trip or vacation. I now make an active effort to seize these opportunities for a couple or reasons. First, I now realize how short life can be, and unless you put yourself out there you are going to miss out on a lot of great things. Second, I have a chance to continue to "live" that Kati, my father, and all those who were taken from us too soon won't have again. You can bet I am going to try and make up some time for all of them! Lastly, it has just been darn fun! Granted, I don't get as much sleep as I use to, but I almost feel like I am making more memories than any person should be allowed to make! I have stepped outside my box, my comfort zone, my sense of security, and it has only been a good thing. The best part is being able to look ahead and be excited for the future. That makes it so much easier to wake up and put one foot in front of the other, even on the "bad" days.
· What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone experiencing a tough situation? (One thing that has helped you work through your grief other than friends and family)
I would recommend searching for an emotional outlet that works for you. I have had some very special people that have been there for me on those really tough days. They were there for me to get the words that were tied to the emotions out, but sometimes I felt the emotions themselves were still inside me. Talking was not always enough, and the reality is that someone is not always going to be there when your emotions start causing you trouble. One night, my emotions started to have a wrestling match inside my head. I truly needed to find a quick fix in order to regain my composure. Now, I have never been a runner, and unless physical activity was tied to one of my outdoor interest, rest assured I would not be doing it. But that night I felt compelled to try anything that would recenter me. I laced up an old pair of work shoes (because I didn't even own a pair of tennis shoes) and started to run (sounds like Forest Gump, I know....). Best part was, I was tired when I got done, and was able to sleep that night, and in fact slept the entire night (very rare thing for me at that point). The same thing happened the next night, and again, I went for a run, and bam!, I felt like I was on to something! Running has become my tool that I rely on to get my emotions out. I still need my incredibly supportive family and friends to get the words out, but now I can help myself when they are not around. So, I am not saying take up running, but find that emotional outlet that you can use as a tool to help get some of those inevitable emotional struggles under control. You will be so glad you did!
· What is one thing that you wished people didn’t ask/say?
I will tell you the truth. People say some pretty strange things when they learn about your situation! I completely understand it is all said with good intentions, but sometimes it is enough to make you laugh, and sometimes it can stir up some emotions you would have rather left alone. I would still rather have people make an effort to talk with you and say something that you may not like, then not have them say anything at all. Getting back to the question, my least favorite statement is "at least you didn't have kids." This one is hard to swallow because I believe the world would be a better place with a "mini Kati" in it. I know everything Kati has taught me, and can only imagine how wonderful it would be to have those traits passed on.
· How do you keep living?
I keep living by never forgetting what both Kati and my Father have taught me. I use this to fuel my mind to keep moving forward each and every day. Some days, I run out of gas, but as long as I am not moving backwards, I will be facing the right direction for progress. I make sure I surround myself with positive people, because we can quickly take on the traits of those around us. My friends and family have been there during my roughest time, and I know, inevitably, we will need each other's help in the future. Continuing to strengthen those relationships will come with incredible rewards. Finally, I keep living because I know there is life to live for.
A few photos from the trip - Truly how we live.
First up - Wade's surfing adventure....
First up - Wade's surfing adventure....
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First try...Seriously!
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Up next - Matt on a boat. Wishing we had pictures of us holding fish that we caught on the boat... (Sorry to bring this up Wade) But we didn't catch any fish. The wind was just a little off :).
The Capt. Cool hat we purchased to be worn when showing off our trophy fish...
And really no words needed for my photo. I feel it says everything it needs to...
Before signing off, I want to share a quote that I read a bit back from a man who lost his wife 1 year ago…
Just remember, "In the end, it will all be okay. If it's not okay, it's not yet the end."
I’m glad it’s not yet the end.
Love –
Rachel (Wade and Matt)
Just remember, "In the end, it will all be okay. If it's not okay, it's not yet the end."
I’m glad it’s not yet the end.
Love –
Rachel (Wade and Matt)
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